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                                                    DEAR DIARY………EPISODE 15

Dear Diary,

Hie there Diary, so you ready for an emotional adventure? Believe it or not you’re gonna be as emotional as I was when I tell you this story. Anyways, remember how I told you about how after at least 4 weddings I finally reached the mountains and how I was just admiring nature and the scenic views which were breathtaking. So after I got introduced to everybody I described to you a trouble that I was having and you guessed that it was that Israeli guy right? Well looks like now the main plot of this story starts. As I told you that he was like a fictional character from a book that came true to your eyes and since I read a lot of books I think ya my dream did kind of come true. His name was Oren and he was as dreamy as any celebrity anyways the first day there was pretty exciting. We met all of our teachers and they were super sweet. With the jam packed schedules and the love for music it was a bang on the first day and I had just worn out so I decided to sleep through the first night. 

So shruti and I were discussing like what would our 1 month look like and she told: “Ya, it looks super fun, but you know we cannot just focus on the fun part, we have to go back and make something out of it and so I think we should make a good balance of both and ya make a memory suitcase out of it.” I agreed with her and shared my thoughts saying: “don’t you think they look so good and especially just that one person…” and Shruti cut me off saying: “what one person?”. She looked at me suspiciously and went: “YOU LIKE OREN.” I could say by her expression that she was stunned but I said: “Dude, chill, it’s a crush and it doesn’t mean I like him, I mean have you looked at that guy, he’s gorgeous.” She was like: “Well, yeah I cannot argue with you on that one. But not enough of this. Let’s go to sleep, we have to wake up early tomorrow.” 

A few days went by and our entire group was getting along and the girls knew about the crush I had but it got out as soon as it grew and that’s when I remembered my own mantra: “never go on looks.” The guy was just so weird, I mean I’m only saying that because he just did not show any like response but he was just, whatever it wasn’t good. So I focused on what I had to do. Oh… Oh wait a second I did not tell you about something, when I got to the mountains I spoke to Daksh of how I was hurt that he did not tell me anything , I mean I was always his best friend first but he said: “You know it doesn’t matter what I feel or do, I don’t want to cause you any trouble so just leave it at that.” I was pissed… like I was actually pissed, I had wished I could get into the screen and punch him. I cared about him obviously and I was like fuck it, nothing is worth this. 

I focused on the classes a lot and I enjoyed them. But there was one particular class that I enjoyed the most, the philosophy classes. The teacher was amazing, like the way he thought about general things or the subject was amazing and it was more of a conversational, participating class and I loved that. The more curious I was the more I asked questions and like having a debate with others and learning other people’s opinions, it was amazing. So I had a thought that I could talk to sir and maybe find a solution for myself. So on the third day when I was sure that sir could give me the best solution I went up to him and said: “Sir, there is something important and private that I wanted to talk to you about, kind of like a consultation and I think you could help me.” Sir replied: “Sure what is it?” I told him: “Actually sir, it’s a pretty long story.” So he said: “Stories are always interesting and I’m all ears, just try to make it short and give all the important details.” I said “okay.” So then I narrated him the entire story, be it depression, family, relationships, friendships and he had this poker face, which was not bad it was a very calm look he took a breath and he said: “Look Shanaya, I will research about this and get back to you, but one thing you can do for sure is sit alone in meditation and sort your thoughts, it’s something that will help you, you need to let go of the past and it’s very necessary.” I agreed with him and I decided to start with Shruti first. So when we were just sitting around outside of our room I told her: “There is something that I have to get out of my system.” She said: “okay go ahead and I swear I won’t be mad.” I replied: “Okay, so for the past few months I feel very lonely and you know I’ve told you how my heart flipped when I got to know about Daksh but the last thing is that I have been having anxiety attacks.” She was calm, and she took a long breath and said: “Shanaya, I can’t be mad at you, you’re my baby sister and I think you’ve taken the right decision by taking sir’s help, so just know I’m right here and till you’re happy I have no complaints.” 

A few days went by and I was learning a lot and saw a lot of opportunities in the future that will help me. The best part is that I never felt so nice learning about something, the classes were turning out to be pretty good. So one of the days I went up to sir and he did find a solution for me, he asked me to sit and he told: “Okay, so given your situation and the classes that I’ve been taking for you guys, I see that you get scared when negative emotions come through during the meditation classes, I say let it flow, if you cry or get frustrated that’s okay too, just let it leave your system. Apart from that I’m not a professional in this so if at any point you feel too complicated ask for help, there is no shame in doing that. But for now I can give you three solutions, No.1 write all the questions you have about whatever is happening, No.2 sit alone in meditation and think about every single consequence and learn why you reacted that way and No. 3 once your mind is clear do not go back. Try this and let me know so that you can finally get out of it.” 

I was just thinking about what he said and decided to do it when my periods come and I will be all alone. So me and Shruti went to a party that day and we had a good time and by the end a guy came up to me and asked me out. Long story short, he was a creep kind of like a stalker so I just wouldn’t like to talk about it. Anyways, apart from classes the place where we were staying had the most cute and small cafes with floor tables to sit comfortably, they gave beach shack vibes. Oh and the food was delicious, there were vegan cafes and the pastries were so good they could melt in your mouth. Shruti and I explored every single shop and cafe. We also went trekking to sir’s house to have Idli and Sambhar which is a south Indian staple food. Ugh and soon this trip was coming to an end and guess what, just near the end I got my periods and you know I also came here to do something so that I could decide something, so I guess it’s time to do that.

Since I wasn’t in the condition to attend classes I rested in my room for one whole day and that one whole day changed my life in a 360 degree round. As sir said I followed all the rules I questioned myself of why the breakup happened? Why did I go out with guys? Why did I agree to an arranged marriage thing? Why did I push Daksh away? Why did I make myself miserable? Why did I make mistakes where I could not even recognise myself? Why am I doing all this now? And most importantly why I cannot figure out what I want? I went over with every single one of them and I answered them with…. The breakup happened because of misunderstandings, I went out with guys so I wouldn’t feel the pain of what I’m going through with Daksh and my own life. I agreed for an arranged marriage because I thought maybe that will bring peace. I pushed Daksh away because I was too hurt, and it hurt more when he cared after I left and not because I stopped loving him. I made myself miserable because my brain was not working straight and that’s because I can’t deal with emotions. I made those mistakes unconsciously because I thought I could move on. I am doing all of this just so that I can fucking get my life back on track and have my love back because I just can’t operate without him. There I said it, I was stupid, I was crying but I said I made those mistakes and I will rectify them. I don’t care if the entire world says I’m a liar or a bad person, I will become the old Shanaya and I will only be happy with just that one person because I love him and only him. 

After all of this I spoke to Shruti, told her everything and showed her his messages and her reply was: “ maybe we were wrong and he’s genuinely a very sweet guy and there is a possibility that you were influenced by our words and if you decide to go with him I’m right behind you”. After this I couldn’t wait to go back. My sister on the other hand messaged Daksh to call me or text me I guess. I saw his face after a long time and I melted but I controlled and told him to meet me as soon as I landed. After I boarded my flight I was nervous and waiting. The next day he paused his work and came to pick me up. We went to a silent street and were in his car so that we could have a peaceful conversation. 

I cried, he cried. I hit him for doing this to me (not too hard). I told him everything and I mean everything, the guys what happened and I took the entire responsibility. He just looked up to me and said: “I’m sorry, I was such a doofus to let you go when you only wanted me and my time. If you ever thought I took you for granted Please don’t because you have the greatest effect on me. I know things have changed but I’m ready to make amends.” I cried and took a big gasp and said: “I know I have made terrible mistakes up until now, I will rectify them and I will be the old Shanaya. If we have differences I will clear them out but I won’t leave you, please take me back. I’ve grown cold and I know for a fact the only person who can make me vulnerable is you.” We had a long conversation and spoke our hearts out and it looked like it was always Shanaya and Daksh from the start. I got my happiness back and the lesson I learnt is don’t be stupid enough to lose something you love and respect. Looks like the end Dear Diary, I’ve loved sharing this hope you did too. I’ve spilled all the beans so toodeloo!