Enchanted pen

                                                       DEAR DIARY ………. EPISODE 6

Dear Diary,

Beaches, long drinks, music, just the right amount of pretty people now that’s a tropical vacation come true. The last time I wrote to you was when I was in Goa. Oh just those 4 days were like a magical paradise I never wanted to leave, I mean just partying, refreshing my mind and not thinking about any of the other stuff helped me a lot. And well as surprising it may seem I did not do anything of the sort you might think I would do.

When I reached the place I was excited by the sites and by looking at some people even my uterus skipped a beat and the place was OMG so good but then I wouldn’t be the person to stay there forever because of the fear of you know oceans. I know some people find that silly but it is a genuine fear. Apart from that the place that we had booked was so pretty and nice like it was a villa amidst a silent street, very peaceful, wooden floors, spacious rooms along with a pretty view and like our routine was set we would get out enjoy the techno vibes, come back late, wake up late and repeat along with the same routine. Well obviously apart from the parties I enjoyed shopping, and ooh the adorable restaurants, the food it was great.

There came a moment where everyone else was like enjoying the beach and the water, clicking pictures and just grazing in the beautiful weather and I was right outside on this water lounger wearing sunglasses and just enjoying the sunset by myself and I looked over and saw these beautiful couples just having the time of their life with so much love, intimacy and enjoyment. I felt empty and I missed a person so much and I was wondering if maybe I’m too stubborn or if what happened was right but then on the other side my brain would say what about all the hurt it cost you and the times I felt I was not that valuable. And just like that the battle between my heart and the brain would never end.

There is an interesting personality trait of a taurus, they think more logically than their hearts which is equally good and bad. After a while I thought I’m a single person, screw the heart and brain, let’s embrace the hormones. There were a lot of guy for whom I thought, oh okay he’s cute, oh he’s hot or he’s sweet but I don’t know what got into me I did not do anything it was weird but you know vacation days go like in a snap of a second and so while I was thinking of it the holiday was over and it was time to get back to reality. Dear lord, it just shunned me back to my place and I hated that feeling. But you know I was taking a Box of memories with my sweet sister and brother – in- law. And not a single moment did I regret not going on this vacation. We had a lot of fun and it was just brilliant.  

Anyway I was back home and obviously was tired so took a few days to just settle in and you know I thought we got back to work on Monday or at least I thought I did. When I came back from my vacation I faced a huge writer’s block yet again I mean it wasn’t in flow even when I was in the workshop but still I didn’t know what to do to get my creativity back, i tried reading, writing poems, joined a workshop, went out, tried to get a different perspective but nothing worked. I researched online on how to overcome a writer’s block most of them were common but only one blog post had said that if you have too much in your mind thinking wise, or you’re dealing with something emotionally, writer’s block can’t go that easy. And it was high time for me to write songs and get going with it. Emotional decluttering is something I had always struggled with and only one person in my life was able to solve that and it was Daksh, since he wasn’t there…. I mean he is if I call him he would be there but then he is not the kind who can just stay friends and I already feel bad for him and I did not want to hurt him anymore so I basically stopped while I was actually going to text him.

I turned to Arnav for advice but there wasn’t much he could do and so we talked about other stuff which had been going on these days like my mother talking about my marriage, my workshop and my vacation. And as usual his dialogue came to be: “you know you don’t need a stranger to tell you that you’re an emotionally stunted woman, I would do that for free.” He asked me what I really want and the most important of all he asked me to deal with my problems one by one. I was avoiding the Daksh part because I know he would say that it’s been a long time and even though he knows that Daksh would take me back in a second he said don’t turn back the chapter is closed. But what do you know? Two things happened the next second. Arnav asked me: “So you wanna talk about the elephant in the room, it’s pretty much all over your face.” and I said no let’s just not and then my phone pinged and there was the elephant in the room that just popped up on my screen after 2 months. 

Arnav tried to steal my phone but my reflexes were fast and so I told him I will deal with it by myself and then tell you everything. He respected my decision but he also made one for me and there he went: “you know i don’t care about what happens with that text, give me your damn phone and I’m setting up your bumble profile and of you don’t give it I will do it in my phone and you will have no choice then so choose wisely.” Well obviously I gave in. He set up my bumble and said your life is going to take a turn. I did not care much about that and you know I went home, made a cup of coffee and I started binge watching a show but then……….. Ting! Ting! That was the bumble notification and not just one. He had swiped right two guys and both of them replied and then my brain went. There’s a bridge now you have to text two guys and reply back to your ex. Oh confusion! Confusion! Confusion and by what’s going in my life it’s a freaking fusion. Oh diary I don’t know what to do. On one side it’s exciting and on the other hand, ugh! I really wanna talk to him. But we’ll decide later. Until next time. Toodeloo!