Enchanted pen

                                            DEAR DIARY………EPISODE 9

Dear Diary,

You know when you have that sense of smelling rain before it actually comes to the ground, and like that dense forest wood cabin where you just want to stay and gaze out the window when it rains with a perfect cup of coffee or hot chocolate along with your favourite book/ movie/ series. Ugh just a perfect day and you take an afternoon nap and your partner comes in and cuddles you and then  you open your eyes to kiss them and when I opened them up there was Daksh just holding me and hugging me and BAM!!! There goes your alarm.  Uh huh yes, I woke up in shock and it was about 5:30 in the morning. And my ancestors always said that the dreams that come early in the morning usually come true. And strangely that same day Daksh left me a long message filled with love, guilt and a little more love. 

At that particular time I wasn’t thinking about anything except him. So I texted him back and well I told him everything I had in my mind like how hurt I was, How he was the last person I expected this from. To be honest I am not the usual, sweet, jolly and normal behaviour kind of a person. Things have always come to an extreme when it comes to me. I found out that I was in depression when I was in the 11th grade and it was because of only one person telling me that it’s not normal, it was Daksh. I happened to not have such a great childhood. I was the youngest in my entire family, there was no one my age, everybody only used me as a pawn since I was the smallest one. No doubt I was my big grandmother’s favourite, I received love from her, I was dear to my father and usually all the elder people. But well elderly people don’t always stay with you, only the youngsters do, as I grew up I was a meat for bullying, and because my father had just started booming his business, usually because of family problems it came out on us kids. My grades were going bad, I started to behave like every cartoon I see and well people hated my attitude.

It wasn’t easy for me to pull this stuff out. I had built in these things for years and that darkness usually led to self hurt like scratching compasses or glass on myself, punching a wall and so on. I didn’t choose this and every single time anyone came to me I had all the love that I could give but I just couldn’t accept it anymore. I was bound to think that my life is going to be this way just like a total loser. Until miraculously Daksh entered my life and never gave up on knowing me, most people usually would but not him. He fought, he irritated me, he sprung me with friendship and one day I just blasted out because something happened and he knew it and on that day all I was thinking about is ending my life but I just pictured my parents and my sister and couldn’t do it. To be honest it’s maybe my opinion that my life hasn’t been that easy or maybe I wasn’t just making enough efforts to be a good person but at the end of the day my point was that I lost myself and I don’t know how to find it.

The thing is he was there like a pillar until he got lost in his own world when he went to college. I liked that because even his life wasn’t so easy. All I know is he was shy, cute and just the best friend ever I got whom I never wanted to lose. I respected his dreams and his vision so much, I still do. He’s just the best. And you know I thought distance wouldn’t matter and we would be absolutely fine because it just had to work for me. In the later stage obviously colleges aren’t easy, there were assignments, exams, parties and there was not much free time and I completely understood that, until I wasn’t able to. There were times we didn’t talk properly for days and our conversations were for just a minute just to know what we did the entire day and how we were, that’s all. I hadn’t had the time to tell him all the dramas that were happening over here and how much I needed him and after covid hit and he came back, he got busy with his family and friends and at just some point I felt that just because he had done so much for me, I’m being taken for granted.

Though I did not want to feel this way. I just did and you know I told myself no matter what happens we will talk and sort it out. I told him what was in my mind a couple of times but it was fine for one or two days and then back to the pavilion. I got tired. After a few months we were fine but his family decided to buy a new house and shift. He was pretty excited and I was happy for him but little did I know it would turn out to be a bunch of serious fights and not knowing who we are to each other anymore. After I thought that it’s becoming toxic day by day we broke up. I did something I never ever thought I would and it turned out that these feelings were there for a long time. I mean we barely saw each other and it was like we weren’t even dating so maybe it was right, or maybe it was a bad phase and we both decided to quit? 

Oh dear diary I don’t know what to do. I wish I had a magical wand so that you could speak but this isn’t a fairy tale. So let’s just move on and never think about it again, right? Anyways, it looks like it’s time to break down and find a solution. I’ll spin the beans later, but for now, toodeloo!