Enchanted pen

                                                       DEAR DIARY…………EPISODE 5

Dear diary,

Let me take you on another trip down memory lane. I’ve always been the type of girl who likes to bottle up her feelings for no reason, so being a troubled kid on the inside and expressing no sentiments on the outside pretty well described me, and there’s a tragic story to prove it, but don’t worry, I’ll keep it short because I don’t like to talk about it. Bullied in school, scolded and beaten by my parents, not a fantastic family, and not very good at school because there was no mental peace. You can now join the dots. You’re probably asking why I’m telling you all of this now.

This now continues with the stories where I left off last time, at the workshop. I’ve basically come to the conclusion that my dearly loved ones no longer consider me human because I never react to anything. And thus concluded a human robot, which obviously isn’t good, and Daksh was the only individual who fit that in my thoughts. Yes, my darling, who isn’t here right now. My workshop tutor, Anjana, on the other hand, handed me a chart with all these areas of life like mental health, social life, family, relationships, friends, career, lifestyle, and so on. I was meant to give them an accurate and truthful percentage to let them know where my life stood. Every part of my life had to be scrutinised. By the way, I did not expect that, but I thought it was a good idea until I realised I needed to take bitter medicine for my own good. How ironic!  

Suddenly, I felt powerful and weak, and now that I think about it, I can’t remember a time when I didn’t express two emotions in my mind at once. I assumed I was a wuss for not dealing with my feelings once and for all, like actually considering myself, because I had never done so before, and the workshop had made me realise and remedy all of those things, and I felt more positive and jolly than ever. It was a nice feeling.  

While I was enjoying personal development, I was experiencing writer’s block, so I decided to start with a poem instead of a song, and I entered a few competitions, winning some participation certificates and wishing I had more time to learn about music. I figured that if I could patiently find a nice balance between just my emotions and writing, I could do a lot more, and that was my first step toward knowing that no matter what, I would get out of the complicated situations and choose the right love, life, and career. And that slogan was highly motivating for me to do that.

While I was doing all of this, there were times when I was analysing all things for the workshop and the first thing that emerged to mind was Daksh and I wondered whether I had made a mistake. Was I being too impatient? Am I being unreasonable? Is he thinking about me? To tell you the truth, every time I was overthinking just about that one love, he always dropped a message, and being the idiot that I am, I still didn’t receive that sense in my mind that you dumbfuck, this is exactly and all you need. He’d always send these long, gorgeous texts that made my tummy flip and released a million butterflies. I’ve never felt such a strong connection or sentiments for another guy (flings included). I would bat away those feelings and try to focus on my work more. It was vital to me in that way because I felt like it wasn’t me because of the mistakes I’d made, the loneliness I’m dealing with, and just not getting things right. I got lost somewhere and had to bring Shanaya with me because she was good and knew what was best for her.

And, because every problem has a solution, I decided to take a trip with my sister and brother-in-law to clear my head. A gorgeous vacation with nothing but parties and energy to burn while exploring the city, ha ha I’m in Goa here I come. Given that Goa is one of the hippest happening destinations, there was nothing but aloha vibes everywhere. Beaches, cool drinks, casinos, cute cafés, and just the beauty and vibrancy of the city it felt like that was all I needed. If it were up to me, I could do all of the music and writing here if you left me alone, but it was a vacation, and any city will feel good outside of your home. We slept away the first night, and I was just as excited to wander around doing nothing and thinking nothing. Vacation goals checked and while we’re on the topic of goals ooh mama were there hot guys everywhere. Yes, and was I drifting away again, yes, yes, yes! 

You’d think I’d improvised, but it’s a vacation, and you know, people have needs. So, like every single bachelor/bachelorette in the entire world has said, I will have things back on track, I promise. And we all know how that promise will turn out: motivation one day and a suitcase full of dread the next. Even though, as a rational person, I know that the only way to deal with difficulties is to deal with them, it just seems easier to dance the problems away than to think about them. It’s tiring, so let’s take a break and see what happens next but for now, toodeloo!