Enchanted pen

                                                    DEAR DIARY ………… EPISODE 4

Dear Diary,

The longer you think, the longer the pain; what can we do when all we have to do is relive the pain every time something is brought up? I understand that things have changed dramatically, and that there is no joy in life if there are no challenges. That is exactly how life perceives us. I heard a marriage proposal waiting for me the moment I walked inside my house. 

I yelled not because I was upset, but because I was stunned to my core. I asked Mom why we had to have this conversation right now. And, as typical as this problem is, I’m young and have a career that depends on me, so this is the last thing I want in my life right now.  My mother soothed me by saying: “we’re not asking you to just like say yes to the next guy you see, Arranged marriages take their own sweet time honey and we have to look for a guy which is suitable to you and it’s going to take some time and besides me and your dad have planned to shift right after your wedding, we would like some peace and reconnect with our religion and spirituality.”  I was too stunned to speak up so I just nodded and went upstairs to my room.

There was a mix of feelings that I couldn’t put into words. Anyhoo! I dismissed the case by telling myself that marriage would not happen to me anytime soon. I was thinking about my work; I know there is a lot of competition in the internet world, but you know what they say: people who find the right path through the correct research and patience get there rather quickly. I started a job outside of the city for about 8 months and gained experience by working with someone more experienced than me, handling projects, doing a great job with everything, and getting my insider track with the tips. That’s exactly why I came, and aside from that, I learned to be responsible for myself; after all, when you have servants working for you, you don’t do much on your own, and living alone for a while made me realize it’s an essential skill.  Cooking, cleaning, and budgeting were all crossed off the list, along with my professional ones.

Shruti lived with me there before she married. It was a lovely period that I will never forget; we visited this beautiful city, made friends, partied, and performed our own jobs, and it was absolutely amazing, and of course, I miss it. And while we’re on the subject of leaving, here are the blunders I regret. Breaking up definitely hurt, and when you’re partying, you think about some things, your hormones react, and you realize you’re slipping away. So yes, I considered having a fling as moving on and did not realise I was using that to not have the missing feeling. Well, the first guy was a chocolate boy, charming, flirty, just knows his way around the ladies, but later turned out to be a jerk because her only desire was one thing, and my reaction to that was: “What the fuck, I did not know guys did this, you know Shruti, this has made my mind even more messy, I mean I feel like I don’t know myself.” And later people told me that this was a usual dating problem, basically it sucks.

Suddenly I had too many guys. I mean each within a month’s gap, but come on Shanaya this is not you. I am a person who values what she has, she loves her family and all she ever wanted was a genuine relationship. But to hell with my life it’s not there, suddenly I have this empty space, I’ve ruined everything, I’m the opposite of who I am and oh god I miss him. Well even if that wasn’t just enough because of my company’s refusal to not give me a better post I decided to quit. Now I have no job, I don’t have many friends in my own city and there is this point where people are asking me to get married. I mean why would people think that a women’s problem is just solved because there is a big strong man in their life who will just jump in to save you, honestly I think that is hypocrisy. 

But hey, I’m a strong independent woman. I applied for other jobs, some part time and some full time and I even got one, but the opportunities weren’t expanding my knowledge. I decided to opt for a workshop and work on my mental health for sometime and start fresh. I was looking for something that would get my mind going and keep me at a little peace and on the other hand I worked on my writing and music to not lose track of that. I had enhanced my culinary skills, tried new cuisines and was waiting for the next month till the workshop, I was excited to learn something new and this workshop had everything. Setting goals, enhancing the areas of life you’re lacking in like socialising, setting goals and a lot more. These were small one on one sessions. Anjana and I would meet online for like 2 hours and we would talk about what new thing we’re going to do this week and we were preparing to make my goals a lot clearer than they were.

I will spill the beans the next time I write to you diary, but right now there is a lot going on in my mind. I know I say that a lot like a drama queen, but don’t you worry this queen will not give up on what she wants to achieve, and by the next time I am going to present you a new me and not a party animal, boys and you know sob stories and since I know that you won’t tell anyone about of how my life is getting confused second by second, you’re the only one I can share it with and bring it under control. See you later alligator! Toodeloo!