Enchanted pen

                                         DEAR DIARY…………. EPISODE 3

Dear Diary,

So, where were we before? Oh yes! I was telling you about the circumstances surrounding my sweet sixteen. Oh, I never expected that after four years, things would go wrong and we would split up. The year following my split was difficult for me. Suddenly, my life was broken, and everything had to start over. I started to lose myself, and then I realised, what if what I’m feeling is in a song? What if every piece of music is directly tied to your life? Then I decided to channel those feelings into my music. I channelled all of my feelings into writing and composing wonderful tunes, and guess what? It was great.  I was finally relieved that I was doing something useful for myself, where I could forget about my problems and immerse myself in my music. It was an incredible experience to use my  psychology skills correctly. 

Apart from work I tried making friends or just you know wandering about with books and a cup of coffee. But something just did not feel right? I was empty somehow and for the obvious reasons that were there I still neglected them.

Yes Diary, I know you want me to tell how stupid I am to just not talk or tell someone how I feel but it’s just not possible. Or as I would like to say: ‘feelings may come and go but you just don’t know which one to trust sometimes and that’s okay.’

Experimenting with my life was my new mantra, and there would be some blunders that I will regret later. It was a lot of fun trying new food, cooking, and exploring the city with my sister Shruti and his lovely future husband Manik. Manik was approximately my sisters height, with dark brown eyes, luscious lashes (boy am I still jealous of them), a gorgeous beard, a designer sense of fashion (some of which I still don’t understand), pretty chill and a big brother to me.I was beyond happy for them, save from the fact that he was going to steal my 22-year-old roommate and best friend away from me. They were young, absolutely bonkers in love, sometimes so much that they never realised that I was in front of them.

That feeling was equally happy and sad at the same time. Happy because I could never ask god for more if my sister was happy and sad because every time they get all lovey dovey the empty part in me and my heart took me to the flashback which made me weak a little bit and not lie but sometimes I hated that feeling that I just don’t have the person I want by my side. I used to cry when everyone was gone or when I was alone in my room. That period was so special to my sister that I did not want to ruin that because of my sob story. She was soon gonna start a new life with a person she loves and a family that is strange to her. I locked it up tight and made no one see from my face of what I was actually going through. 

Staying strong was a pep talk I gave to myself, it was like: Come on don’t be a wiener, you’re Shanaya, nothing is impossible for you, nothing can break you, feelings are for weaklings. 

Boy was I going down the wrong path. But well, I enjoyed the work and the time till my sister got married, I was denying the feeling that as soon as she goes I’m not going to have anyone who I can talk to. Challenges are a part of your life and you have to roll with the punches. I know that it’s not going to be easy but it won’t be impossible, I mean I will still have her and other than that I do have friends I can go to, the reason I feel this way is because my bestie will be in college and I won’t bug my sister much because she is going to have a ton of responsibilities. Oh, well it should be the contrary. I should be there to support her rather than be a problem to her. 

After my precious little doll was drifted off to her in-laws. I decided to give my heart and soul to my writing and music.There were going to be distractions and I already had a lot of feeling bottled up in me and so I started to write some poems, sometimes some articles and well there was one text that changed that motivation in the other way. “I know I made some terrible mistakes by making you feel that I was taking you for granted, but if you know me you know I wouldn’t even do that to you intentionally. Please give me a chance to explain myself and let’s talk it out.” 

Well you and I both know who that was from and I couldn’t control myself so I ran to my only male bestie who always saves me from emotional damage. I was about to be weak and I’d better be weak knowing if it’s right or wrong. Arnav, the sweetest little bitch to ever exist. Good height and personality, thin but in a sexy way, a people pleaser because he always knows when and what will cure the problem. Hazel eyes, definitive eyebrows,  gorgeous lashes, a charming smile that could kill you which supported his sharp jawline perfectly. 

First dialogue when I meet him: ‘WTF, bitch he actually said that, what do you feel? Are you okay? Wait, but first do you want to meet him, and omg did you reply?’ It was like a parade of questions firing from his bitchy mouth. He got me more confused even before the conversation started. Then I spoke and asked him to calm down before he made me go crazy. We talked for a while and he asked me to carefully evaluate where the conversation would go and you know not to be more on the emotional side but on the logical side and then go talk to him. I got some confidence and I closed off that chapter and we got to our usual coffee conversations and had a blast by the end of the time. 

Arnav is my usual saviour and he knows me more than I think just like Daksh. After a while I got home and had the worst scenario I had dealt with. I got scared the second my mother was telling me more about it. It shook me and well you know what they say, I had to choose which scenario I dealt with the first. 

I wanna continue this conversation but my mind is too preoccupied, so let’s just say until we meet the next time diary, toodeloo! 

And if you’ve missed the first 2 parts click on the link below to catch up on this story!

https://enchantedpen01.com/2023/12/15/dear-diary/: DEAR DIARY.. PART -3 https://enchantedpen01.com/2023/12/16/dear-diary-part-2/: DEAR DIARY.. PART -3