Enchanted pen

                                                  DEAR DIARY ….. EPISODE 2

Dear diary, 

It’s me again. We left a few unfinished business, and while we’re at it, this story must begin with a flashback. Oh! The flashback that is obviously given to a human life is a roller coaster of emotions, different circumstances, and let’s just say a lot of the mistakes that your life is now reflected through. 

So let’s go back to 2016, when I was about 15 years old and on my way for my sweet 16. That’s when I realized how awful my life is. I mean, no friends, no fun, and it was almost as if my existence was only for school, and even then, I wasn’t particularly good at what I was learning.  It was the first day of 11th grade, and I went in as the first person in the class, which clearly reveals what my life is all about: running away from home and running away from school when the bell rings. Music was the one thing that made me happy. 

“When life leaves you all alone in a room full of people, you need to realise you’re your only best friend.” This is the quote I wrote, and I realised that while I didn’t have academic or social abilities, I was very good at creative things. Then I thought, I love music, why don’t I start writing too? Who knows where this lonely star will go, right?

There are three types of people on the first day of school in this scenario. The first is the school topper, also known as the front benchers, who are eager to begin their educational journey. The second type are the busy bee socialites who are not so interested in academics but more in the memories and extracurricular activities that they excel at and can make a profession out of, and seemingly popular people fall into this category. The third are like me; they have no friends, no aspirations, and they only breathe because they believe there is hope someplace. The third category has talents that no one knows about, and one of their superpowers is sadly invisibility.

Those two years were the worst two years of my life. But, in terms of individuals, it appeared that I had improvised. Yes, I made new friends! Yay! I was beginning to see what friendship genuinely looks like, and it made me realise that I don’t need a group; just one good person can do what hundreds cannot. But, yes, our group was small but nice.  It’s just that I wasn’t expecting the one person in that group to completely change my life, or, to be more accurate,  be my entire life.

Daksh! My best friend, my supporter, and, most importantly, the only person who could make me laugh.  He is one of those people that came into my life and we just clicked, which has never happened to me before. It was an odd sensation, but I eventually realized there was one person I could always go to for advice, and that was him. 5’6″ tall with a lovely dusky complexion and large brown eyes that turned a perfect hazel in the sunlight. Little sharp black hair which defined his round face giving a structure to his sharp nose and his jawline, He walked in confidently with a personality and just with that warm aura vibe and the tenderest smile coming through those beautiful brown yet pink lips, I could tell that was the sweetest trouble walking into my bubble. Although an interesting aspect was that he had never made any of the girls friends, and I was the first one, there were acquaintances but I was probably the first.  

I know what you’re thinking, diary: how can a cold-hearted girl allow someone into her bubble? People were tired of me back then because I said I would just be wherever I was without being aware of where my thoughts were going off to. So the love feeling, or even like someone….. It’s just too much to handle. Anyway, getting on with the story, he was the only person who ever suspected me of hiding something behind my smiles.  No one, not even my sister, has ever seen that. He dug up information, he tried to get me to talk about it, and after a long time of him pestering me, I broke out telling him all my dark secrets about how I was in the black zone for about 6 years, how I don’t feel anything, and how I simply can’t handle it any more. After that, everything changed… everything.

Long story short, it quickly evolved from besties to lovers, and it was a fantastic time till it reached the end of the turf. He hurried off to college, leaving me home.  Everything was still fine, but by the fourth year, there was not enough time or contact, and there were too many insignificant conflicts and misunderstandings. Many people who cared about me were worried that it was toxic for me, and I believed they were correct at the time, but I couldn’t handle the concept that the one person who meant the most to me would do something like this. I never want anything materialistic; I only desire his time. But when that wasn’t there, it was simply heading down the dark lane, and as the tale goes, we broke up. 

It’s not that releasing emotions isn’t enjoyable. I was shattered into a million pieces. And obviously, Shanaya made that decision, and there was no going back. I wanted to go back, but I couldn’t because I was too hurt. I despised life, I got cold hearted, and all I could think about was how the first special place that was warm, safe, and just enough for nothing else to matter had been taken away. I did not handle myself that well and I made a ton of mistakes down the line. Some of which I regret doing because it wasn’t me who was forcing me to do them. Dwelt on work, not thinking of him, telling others I despise him, but my inner feelings were contradictory. I simply wanted to be in my secure haven. Damn you ego! It’s a person’s worst rival; it will conquer anything in its grasp or anything it sees, which is why it’s always necessary to express yourself, even if it means beating the shit out of the other person. Lesson learnt!

Not that it’s not fun telling you everything, I just have to go so talk to you soon. Toodeloo!